


Ohno Sakuya and Koakuma Have Switched Bodies!!!

by ItsPurvis



Category: Touhou Project
Genre: Comedy, Things Fall Apart - Freeform, body swapping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-19 10:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22876261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsPurvis/pseuds/ItsPurvis
Summary: Really, it's what it says on the tin. I might have named it Things Fall Apart, but Chinua Achebe does not deserve that.Originally written in late 2013/early 2014
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

(Hey guess what! I'm dyslexic and deluded myself into thinking I can write! Find all the grammatical errors and win a prize! The prize shall be gratitude and also invectives!)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Boom.  
  
"Boom" was not an uncommon sound in Scarlet Devil Mansion. One end of the manor served as a lair to a powerful and amoral magician devoted to her craft, while dozens of faeries serving as maids had could be found anywhere in the house, among the accumulated magical artifacts, the kitchen, and any number of cleaning supplies. Anyone who spent a reasonable amount of time in Scarlet Devil Mansion would grow used to the sound. The thick walls certainly helped in making the occasional boom sound less bad.  
  
"Uuuugh," said a woman of moderate height, her long red hair somewhat singed and her smart dress disheveled. Sprawled upon the ground face-up, she squinted and tried to force her vision to focus. Then she rubbed her head and muttered, "What happ-OW!" One of the bat-like wings on the side of her head smacked into her face with a meaty sound, cutting her off.  
  
"Muuuu..." came a sound from a human-shaped heap clad in purple-and-white-striped pajamas, crumpled against a bookshelf and barely moving. The heap wriggled while making the noise, then seemed to give up as the noise faded.  
  
"...Mother fucker," said a third figure, an average-sized woman clad in a dark blue maid's uniform. Through a groan, she picked herself up from a pile of books that she had landed on. "Geez, you really need to lay off the whatever that was, Patchy!"  
  
The maid took a moment to stretch, then screwed up her face into a beetle-browed grimace. As the red-haired woman rolled onto her hands and knees, the maid said, "Hey, my wings aren't working! Patchy, what did you do!"  
  
"Stop shouting," said the pajama-clad heap in a muffled voice. "It'll be fine, whatever it is..."  
  
"My wings aren't working!" the maid said, as she balled her fists and glowered at the white and purple heap. "This is a serious problem!"  
  
"Uh..." said the red-haired woman as she stood and looked at the maid, the hitherto-folded wings on her back twitching. Then both of the wings on her head closed on her face like a pair of wrought iron gates, the smacking noise nearly as loud as the resulting cry of "Ow!"  
  
The maid stared at the red-haired woman. After a moment the wings on the latter's face opened and extended straight outward, permitting her to stare at the maid in turn. After a moment of silence, punctuated by some futile wriggling from the pajama-clad head, the maid cried, "Why are you me?!"  
  
"I could ask the same of you," said the red-haired woman, frowning and causing the wings on her head to fold tightly. The wings on her back then extended upwards as she reached up to rub her head.  
  
The maid looked down at herself and frowned. Her brow beetled once again as she took her apron in hand and lifted it up. She ran her fingers over its frills, staring at the plain white surface of the apron as though she expected hidden text to make itself known. "...Oh," she said after some moments. "Guess that explains that."  
  
The red-haired woman rubbed her face, the wings on her back descending and nearly touching the ground, and looked back to the maid. Then her eyes roved back and forth, taking in the damage. There wasn't much left of the table that was in the middle of the room, just a leg here and a corner there. Broken glass covered the carpet, which was easy enough to get rid of. It was going to be less easy to deal with the mysterious blue and yellow stains upon the deep red carpet. Further out, a couple of bookshelves had toppled, and a few more had poured some of their contents on the ground from the shock. Those would be Patchouli's problem, at least. "What happened?" she muttered.  
  
"Patchy screwed up. Duh," said the maid.  
  
"I meant more specifically," the red-haired woman said, her face impassive and professional.  
  
"That's pretty obvious too, you know," said the maid, as she raised an eyebrow and turned her palms upward. "I mean, the real question is how long it's going to take Patchy to fix it!"  
  
The red-haired woman turned her head toward the heap of white and purple stripes as she finally managed to unroll herself and crawl onto her knees. "Yes, Koakuma, that is an excellent question."  
  
"What question?" said the pajama-clad woman, as she adjusted her sleeping cap from her eyes and looked between the two. "You're both fine."  
  
"I'm stuck in Sakuya's gross body, you idiot!" cried the maid, fists balled at her side.  
  
"He-" said the red-haired woman, before a headwing smacked into her face again. "Gyah! How do these things work!?"  
  
The pajama-wearing woman stood up and started to straighten her clothes. She looked between the glaring maid and the red-haired trying to pull a headwing from over her eyes. "Ah, this is a pickle," she said.  
  
"Huh?" said the maid, her glare melting into a frown.  
  
"Well, I would have to research this," Patchouli said. "It's a highly irregular occurrence for two minds to switch bodies without extensive preparation, and this discounts whether or not the aura phenomena-"  
  
"So what you're saying is we're stuck," the maid said loudly.  
  
"...For the foreseeable future," Patchouli said.  
  
Silence reigned over the library for a moment. Patchouli finished smoothing out her robes and turned her attention to her tangled hair. A book tumbled from a nearby shelf onto a pile. "That is not acceptable," said the red-haired woman at length.  
  
"There is little I can do about it," said Patchouli. She frowned at a tangled lock of hair and began to pick at it. "If you are lucky, the issue will correct itself. Otherwise, it will take some rather intriguing research toward fixing it. In a way, this is a rather fortunate accident-"  
  
"Break time!" said the maid, turning and walking away.  
  
"Hey!" said the red-haired woman. "Koakuma, you come back here this instant!"  
  
"Ah ah ah, I'm Sakuya now!" the maid said, before she turned and ran for the door. As she did, she lifted the hem of the dress and began to pull it off. "Wahahahaha!"  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing!" cried the red-haired woman as she took off in hot pursuit. Both sets of her wings flared out in response, creating space for her arms to pump. Ahead, the maid had shed her dress and tossed it aside with more laughter. The red-haired woman instinctively reached to grab a knife, slowing a little, before stopping the motion. Of course she wouldn't have any knives! They were just ahead now, sheathed to a now-visible garter on the left leg of her purloined body! Giving a snarl, she redoubled her speed, her wings flaring out further. The distance between them closed, just a couple yards, as the maid seemed more interest in wriggling out of her brassiere than running at top speed. The red-haired woman prepared to pounce, before a fierce ache slashed through an unfamiliar limb, and suddenly the ground fell out from under her!  
  
The world spun and came to a painful halt, punctuated by the sound of falling books and further pain upon her head and shoulders. Dazed and her limbs refusing to listen to her, her mind worked quickly to reconstruct what had happened as she tried to move her hands onto the ground and push herself up. There was a sharp pain, to the left... Ah. The wings. One of them must have extended and caught on a bookshelf. And the rest fell into place; it was enough to cost her her footing and then she fell. Then books fell. A couple books fall away from her as she struggles, and then a nearby voice said, "Let me help with that."  
  
"Thank you, Miss Patchouli," said Sakuya, as she tried to stand up and was rewarded with an unexpected ache in her right wing. The pajama-clad magician pulled her to her feet. Sakuya looked toward the doors and frowned upon seeing them open and her underwear on the floor nearby. She reached back to massage the aching wing, doing her best not to think about how strange the action felt. An odd thought came to her. "How did Koakuma get my dress off without removing my apron?"  
  
"Everyone has a talent," Patchouli said. "Don't ask me how she developed that one."  
  
"Very well," Sakuya said. "Would you be so kind to fetch me some knives from the kitchen? I need to stop her before she can pull any more mischief."  
  
"I suppose so," said the magician. "In the meantime, look on the bright side. At least now you can tell whether or not you have a cute butt- Mukyu!" The magician falls to the ground, hands folded over her torso, above her kidney.  
  
"Why would you say such a thing!" Sakuya said, glaring down at the magician.  
  
"I....thought you were...still bound...as my familiar..." Patchouli said, curling into a ball.  
  
"Ah, an experiment, I understand," said Sakuya, before bringing her heel down on Patchouli's other kidney.


	2. Chapter 2

Koakuma pranced down the stairs from the library, savoring the cool air on her borrowed skin. She snickered: of course that dumb maid wouldn't know how to fold wings the right way! Hopefully she didn't break anything, though. It'd be a pain to switch back and have a busted wing. Putting that thought out of mind, she continued to prance down the stairs, secure in her lead. The only question was what to do now. Maybe hassle the gate guard? Oh, that'd be fun. Or go grab some snacks? Oh, oh! Maybe go and see just how close she and the vampire really were!  
  
It was an interesting body that Sakuya had, she had to admit. Koakuma definitely felt more graceful and better balanced than ever. It was a little odd not to have the familiar weight of wings behind her, and the chest was a little lighter than usual, but the legs more than made up for it. She had appreciated them before, but efforts to get a closer appreciation of them never panned out well. Shame the maid was such a sourpuss, but that's just how people are. No point in worrying about it right now, though now was the time fo-"Shit!"  
  
Her foot, connected to a leg a little longer than normal, touched down on the floor of the mansion's main hall before she was ready to deal with it. She felt her balance slipping, and immediately shifted her weight to compensate. Then she realized that it wasn't enough, there weren't any wings now to counterbalance! Then she fell forward, and it was all she could do to get her hands out in front of her and tense up for the impact. Her palms hit the cold marble floor with a loud smack; pain raced up her arms to her shoulders, followed by the same in her knees. Her profanity still ringing in her ears, Koakuma picked herself up, and then noticed everything was wrong.  
  
The hall was adorned with the wealth of the Scarlet family. Sumptuous banners hung from the ceiling, suits of plate armor stood in mock attention with broad-bladed swords before them. Strange paintings by artists with weird foreign names depicting people in funny-looking clothes lined the walls. Thick wooden doors with elaborate paneling and carvings lined the hall, easily rivaling the most intricately painted paper doors. And now everything was dull gray, as though all the light were wrung from the hall like a sponge. Even the banners had stopped swaying...  
  
"...Oh," Koakuma said. Her mouth drew into a thin line as understanding dawned upon her. "How the heck?" She looked around and then frowned. "How'd I even do this?"  
  
With the world still, she made her way across the floor, trying not to pay much mind to the stinging in her kneecaps. That'd just be Sakuya's problem when this is all over. Now that she had a moment, Koakuma began to get a feeling for just how different this body was. Walking was easy, until she swayed her hips and found there was more to sway than before. But she adapted to it quickly enough. It was a bit harder to climb the opposing stairs to the second floor mezzanine, her legs were too long now and the stairs came up at the wrong time. But by the time she had climbed the curving staircase, she felt she had gotten the hang of it, as long as she paid attention. Looking around the mezzanine, she noted one of the sets of doors leading into a side hallway hung open.  
  
"Hello?" she called as she peeked into the open hallway. No one was there. She frowned, then shook her head. "Not like anyone's gonna answer anyways, dummy," she muttered as she walked into the hall. Then she paused and glanced at the doors. "I wonder..." she said as she reached toward the nearer one and gave it a tug. With a curious sort of sluggishness, as though it resented the bother, the door swung outward. "Huh!" She grabbed the other door and pushed them closed. The hinges made no sound, nor did the doors coming together. Instead, they put up more resistance, until finally settling in place. "Must be the latch," said Koakuma with a shrug. Then she absently scratched at an itch on her chest and began to skip down the hall.  
  
Numerous doors lined the hallway, leading to drawing rooms, galleries, and so on. She didn't wander this way in the mansion often, there usually wasn't any real reason for it. No one used the second floor very much. There was a pool table popular with the off duty maids somewhere, but there was no point in trying to take on faeries in anything like that... She skipped past several doors, then stopped to scratch at the annoying itch on her chest again. "This'll do," she said, approaching the nearest door and opening it. The knob resisted at first, almost as though it were locked, but slowly and soundlessly it turned, until the door grudgingly slid open. It took a small push to actually open it. Inside, she found one of the less used parlors where white was the theme. The chairs and couch were upholstered in white, the cabinets were made of light-hued woods painted white. Hung over a fireplace of polished white granite was a large painting of a forest of trees bearing white blossoms. Thick satin hung over the windows. Even with the world around her all in grays, only some of the room's beauty was lost. Three faerie maids stood in the room, still as statues. A tall one with butterfly-like wings, nearly chest high to Koakuma, was dusting the top of a cabinet, while two waist-high faeries with crescent-shaped wings were sweeping the white-tiled floor. Koakuma walked into the parlor, a smirk crossing her face. "Here we go!"  
  
Ignoring the persistent itch on her chest, she approached the two sweeping faeries and studied them for a moment. One was in the process of finishing a sweeping motion, adding to the pile of dust in front of her. The other was in the process of shifting her broom to a better position. With a grin, Koakuma approached the former faerie, grabbed the broom handle, and tugged. It did not budge. "C'mon, leggo!" Koakuma said, tugging again. It still did not budge, which prompted Koakuma to brace her foot against the faerie's back and tug! Still nothing. "Let go, you stupid faerie!" Koakuma shouted, tugging a few more times, before nearly losing her balance and stumbling back.  
  
Taking a moment to catch her breath, Koakuma noticed that her chest was beginning to ache. "Ah hell, I didn't break it, did I?" she muttered, and rubbed her sternum. This did nothing and the ache redoubled, nearly knocking the breath out of her. Gasping for air, she pounded her fist against her chest in hopes of doing something. The ache remained, becoming more intense. Was this one of those heart attack things? Those weren't supposed to happen to devils! The pain grew worse; a sort of strained gurgle escaped from her throat as she staggered. Then a feeling akin to the sound of glass shattering shot through her body. Color and motion flooded into the world, and the pain ebbed away.  
  
The faeries began moving again, then stopped as their eyes turned toward the panting form of the maid. "Oh no!" cried the taller one, while one of the sweepers jaws fell, The other tossed her broom aside and threw her hands over eyes.  
  
"M-m-m-miss Sakuya!" said the faerie with her eyes covered, her voice rapidly changing pitch.  
  
"That's...right..." Koakuma said between heavy breaths, trying to shake off the sudden feeling of numbness from the pain's aftermath.  
  
"Y-y-you're...you're n-n-" the faerie continued, spreading her fingers for a moment to look, then shutting them. Her words evaporated into a loud squeal.  
  
"I'm the boss, you mean!" Koakuma said, as grinned and straightened up. The pain was gone, everything was better now. The tall faerie gave off an squeak in reply. "And you know what time it is?"  
  
"W-what time?" said the tall faerie. Her hands wrung along the handle of her feather duster, as she tried to hide her face behind it.  
  
Koakuma crossed her arms and grinned confidently. "We're gonna have some fun, kids!"  
  
"Order has fallen!" shrieked the gape-jawed faerie. "The apocalypse is coming!" The other two faeries screamed high-pitched screams, as the previously gape-jawed faerie turned and launched herself into the air, flying as fast as her crescent-shaped wings could carry her toward the door at the far end of the room. The other two quickly followed suit, grabbing their skirts and running toward that door. They barely seemed to notice as their companion failed to stop in time, slamming into the wall with a meaty thud and squawk, then falling to the ground. Instead they stepped over her, threw open the door, and dashed out into the hall while shrieking at the top of their lungs. The last faerie climbed to her knees, squirmed out the door and screamed, "The end is nigh! All is lost!" A chorus of shrieks echoed from down the hall.  
  
"Okay," muttered Koakuma.


	3. Chapter 3

Sakuya did her best not to grumble as she stalked out of the library, her folded uniform tucked under her arm. Everything was a mess now. There was no way that Koakuma hadn't wrought some kind of merry hell upon the household. She should have been able to stop it, but time wouldn't stop for her anymore as it should. That was bad; most household disasters could be elegantly headed off at the pass with a moment of stepping out of time and then a polite yet stern lecture. But not this. This couldn't be stopped anymore, just contained. The thought of the coming lecture from Remilia was enough to make her blood run cold.  
  
Walking into the main hall, she carefully approached the stairs. As she reached out for the banister, her right wing flared out and whacked against it lightly. Sakuya suppressed an annoyed growl and carefully tried to bend the wing back into place by contracting her back muscles, achieving only some degree of success. At least those ones made some sense, she had yet to figure out how to make the other wings behave. It felt like some kind of neck motion, but there was something else to it, too. Perhaps the way one's jaw was set? She had no idea, so she just tried not to move her head too quickly. The headwings seemed content to stand straight up for the time being.  
  
As she descended the stairs and stepped out onto the ground floor, Sakuya scanned the doors, looking for an open one and a hint of where to go next. But there was no such luck; Sakuya wondered if she was premature in chiding the faerie maids about making sure to close the doors while they were working in a room. As she considered a gallery across the hall as a place to start, a door off to the side opened. Sakuya turned to face the sound, headwings flaring out, hoping for a quick resolution to this mess.  
  
"Koa-koa, I need a story!" came the voice of Flandre as she ambled out of a playroom, a stuffed rabbit dangling from her right arm.  
  
Sakuya's impassive expression was the product of many years of carefully cultivated professionalism. "I am sorry, Young Mistress, but I am afraid I don't quite have time t-OW!"  
  
Flandre broke out into giggles as Sakuya reached up to pry her headwings from her eyes again. "Do it again!" Flandre said.  
  
"I would prefer not to, if it's all the same to you, Young Mistress," Sakuya said as she folded the errant wings against the side of her head, only to have them unfold again. "And I am on an important mission right now, so I am also afraid I don't time to read you a story." Hopefully that would be enough...  
  
"No no, it's too early to read me a story!" Flandre said with a frown. "I need a story so I can read it! Keeny said so!"  
  
Oh thank heaven the tutor wasn't here today. That's the last thing she needed to deal with. "Ah, and Miss Keine said this needed to be done today?"  
  
"Yes, Koa-koa!" said Flandre, rolling her eyes and planting her free hand on her hip. "Today! I have to read a story every day!"  
  
It took Sakuya all her years of practice not to frown or bury her face in her hands. Mistress had made it very clear in the past, unless the mansion was on fire or under attack the Young Mistress' needs outstripped everything else. And as much as she wanted to say otherwise, Koakuma wasn't a real attack, nor had she started any fires. Probably. And it certainly wasn't a good idea to leave Flandre to browse unattended in the library, some of those books were dangerous. "Very well, Young Mistress, I shall-Ow!"  
  
The young vampire broke out into more giggles. As Sakuya cleared her vision once again, she saw that Flandre had already climbed several of the stairs and looked down at her. "You're talking funny today, did Patch-patch make you have to do that?"  
  
"Yes," Sakuya said, as she moved to follow the Young Mistress. It wasn't untrue, when considered in the proper light. And it was certainly easier than explaining everything. They climbed the stairs and returned to the library. Sakuya looked around, and saw no sign of Patchouli where she had left her, or anyplace else for that matter. Years of careful training were put to use once again. "What book would you like, Young Mistress?" she said.  
  
"Oh, I dunno," says Flandre, "Find me a good one!"  
  
"Mm, very well," says Sakuya, as she ventured down one of the rows of shelves. Her eyes roved over the shelves and the spines, and were continually disappointed. Most of them were not in languages she could read, and the few she could did not indicate anything suitable for pleasure reading; at least anything that contained words like Hydrodynamic or Alkalite did not sound especially pleasurable. The library had never been a part of her duties, as it was left entirely up to Patchouli. She never understood Patchouli's insistence that good magic required some dustiness, but she didn't feel the need to insist upon it with the Mistress, however much the library's sloppiness offended her senses. Nor were the shelves marked in any recognizable way; Patchouli had claimed that the books were moved often enough to make shelf labels useless.  
  
Minutes passed by as they wandered between the shelves. Sakuya scanned the titles, encountering languages and writing systems that she had never seen before. The shelves were sectioned off by aisles that lead toward the presently-demolished center of the library, and at least the books within any given section appeared to have the same general topics. This gave her some relief. It wasn't as though she didn't like to read, but rather time seldom permitted her to do so! Typically, Sakuya only looked into books that the Mistress recommended, which Mistress typically had on-hand and spared her this exercise. It was a small favor that Flandre didn't seem to notice she was lost, and cheerfully read out titles like "Corpus Aristotelicum" and "On the Nature and Philosophy of Astrological Observations of Darkest Cathay".  
  
Eventually, Sakuya came to a section where the books were largely in proper Japanese, and bore titles that sounded like books someone would actually want to read. At least Genji Monogatari and Kazashi no Himegimi sounded like books that could potentially be interesting. She scanned the shelves, looking for something appropriate for the Young Mistress, while Flandre took to browsing through the opposite shelf. After a moment, Flandre grabbed a book and opened it. "Koa-koa?" she says a moment later, "How come this book said the clocks are striking thirteen? Is that a special thing they do in April?"  
  
Sakuya looked over. "I presume it is magi-OW!"  
  
Flandre giggled as Sakuya's headwings spread out once more, leaving her to wonder if she had any bruises yet. "This book sounds neat!" Flandre said, as she tucked it along side her rabbit and began to march out the library. "Thank you, Koa-koa!"  
  
"You're welcome," said Sakuya, as she followed Flandre out. The two of them returned to the main hall, and Sakuya escorted Flandre back to the basement stairs. "Dinner may be a little late," she said as she opened the door.  
  
"Oh," said Flandre, "Well that's fine." Then she paused and screwed up her face. "Wait a minute! How'd you know? Were you sneaking into the kitchen again? You know Kuya hates that!"  
  
"Ah," Sakuya said, as the mystery of the missing cream puffs fell into place. This was then added to the tally that Koakuma had already run up. "Let's keep this our secret, shall we?"  
  
"It's our secret!" Flandre said, and skipped down the stairs. Sakuya closed the door behind her, and breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
Moments later, a door above opened, marked by a half dozen screaming voices. Sakuya looked upward to see a group of maids dashing into the hall, wailing and screaming and waving feather dusters around like swords. They reached another door further down the mezzanine, leading to a gallery filled with western sculptures, threw open the door, and charged inside. Then the door was gently closed by someone that she couldn't see from this angle, just as she showed them a few days ago. Sakuya finally indulged herself in burying her face in her hands.  
  
****  
  
Remilia hummed a section of The Magic Flute as she contemplated the canvas before her. The trees were nearly perfect, the light reflected from their leaves just as she could see in her mind's eye. She smiled, and amused herself by following the end of the section with the beginning of the previous one. Brush in hand, she considered where to go next. Then she smiled and turned her eye to a blank section, exchanging her brush for a wider one, stained red, and then set it to canvas.


	4. Chapter 4

Plonky, discordant notes filled the air. Koakuma swayed back and forth, hammering on the keys of the grand piano and wriggling her bare bottom on the seat. An open violin case sat on the bench near her, its contents lazily replaced and the bow balanced on top of it. A trombone leaned against the nearby wall, a french horn set in one of the seats. A viola laid on the couch, a tuba sat on its side on the floor nearby. A biwa laid face down on an end table. Several flutes, recorders, and clarinets had been scattered across the floor. Koakuma sang out a few notes, at best roughly in tune with the increasingly chaotic and tone deaf melody she played. Outside in the hall, she heard faerie maids dashing around, squawking and panicking and occasionally colliding with the walls or each other. After a few moments, she stopped and stared down at the piano keys. "This is boring!"  
  
She stood up and contemplated shutting the cover, then decided not to bother. Peeking around into the hall, Koakuma counted a dozen faeries running around, several more huddled in the corner, three potted plants that had been knocked over, and one tapestry laid in a sad heap. After a moment, she smoothly crossed the hall and slipped behind one of the remaining tapestries. The noises did not change, she felt no one had noticed her enough to care as preoccupied as they were. She leaned back against the wall, allowing them some time to forget what they had seen. It was a curious sensation, having no wings between the wall and her back. Maybe there would be time to lay down for a nap, later? That had to feel different.  
  
Something light brushed across her feet, drawing Koakuma's attention. She glanced down and noted a dry mop prodding at her feet. "This isn't supposed to be like this," came the voice of the mop-holder, somewhere around the vicinity of Koakuma's hips.  
  
"Hey," Koakuma said. "I'm just a sculpture."  
  
"Nu-uh!" the voice said, prodding again. "Sculptures don't make words!"  
  
"Well, uh, you see..." said Koakuma, frowning for a moment before her expression gave way to a smile. "You know how good art is supposed to speak to your soul? That's what's happening now!"  
  
"Feet aren't art, though!" insisted the voice.  
  
"Why not?" said Koakuma. "Faces are art, and hands are art? Why not feet? Because, I have to be art, or I wouldn't be able to speak into your soul."  
  
"Oh, when you say it like that..."  
  
"Exactly!" said Koakuma, "Now, while I'm talking into your soul and all, what're you guys doing, screaming and running around and stuff?"  
  
"Didn't you hear?!" the voice said, "Everything's fell apart! The gods are gone and the barrier's fallen, and and and..."  
  
"Sounds like it's time for you get a piece of the pie, huh?"  
  
"There's pie?!" the voice exclaimed. She practically heard the faerie's face light up.  
  
"It's an expression," said Koakuma.  
  
"That's fine by me, where can I get some pie?"  
  
Koakuma paused for a moment. "Mmmm. I can tell you the second step," she said after a moment. "But I dunno..."  
  
"Oh please, you gotta tell!" said the faerie.  
  
"Okay, okay," said Koakuma. "The second thing you gotta do is, you know that one gallery on the first floor? The one with all the paintings?"  
  
"Yeah, we clean it all the time!"  
  
"Well," said Koakuma, taking on a slightly lower tone. "the second thing you got to do is take it over! Now that everything's all screwed up, it's up to you guys to keep it up!"  
  
"Whoa!"  
  
"And you gotta protect it! You can't let the other maids get in, they're all crazy! Gather up all your friends! Hurry! Go!"  
  
"You got it!" cried the faerie, followed by a flurry of footsteps.  
  
Koakuma waited for a moment, then slipped out from behind that tapestry and moved to one neighboring it. Moving on to the next tapestry after that, she made her way toward the end of the hall, where several faeries sat huddled together. She didn't expect the faerie she had inspired to remember the instructions she had given, but that was alright. As long as they did something interesting. Upon reaching the last tapestry at the end of the hall, she peeked around the edge of it. Five faerie maids huddled in the corner, looking around every so often and talking among themselves. Koakuma was familiar with this, Sakuya taught them to do this when they didn't know how to properly carry out their instructions. "Hey," she called out, making sure most of her face was still obscured. "Hey, you guys!"  
  
Five faeries looked over toward her. "Who're you?" saids one.  
  
Koakuma brought a hand out from behind the tapestry and pointed down the hall. "Those guys found some pie! Go get some before they eat it all!"  
  
Two of the maids immediately leapt to their feet and started down the hall, one crying "Pie!" at the top of her lungs. Two others quickly stood and joined them, leaving the last to watch for a moment, before hesitantly getting up to follow, huffing and puffing to keep up. Koakuma peered out more fully as the five faeries ran toward a group of previously scattered faeries being addressed by a faerie waving around a mop and talking too fast to follow. It took one cry of "Give us some pie too!" for things to deteriorate. Koakuma slipped around the edge of the tapestry to watch the ensuing brawl for a few minutes, then slipped down the stairs once the melee dissolved into several angry chases.


	5. Chapter 5

Patchouli stalked through the halls of the first floor, giving more impassively disapproving glares than she could easily keep track of. Pedestals bearing busts of great philosophers, once-lining the halls proudly, had been tipped over. A chandelier had fallen. She had stepped over several unconscious maids; and one pretending to be unconscious by laying on the floor and repeating "I'm knocked out!" Not to mention the variety of cleaning gear that littered the floors now. It was almost enough to make one wonder if such a fortunate accident was even worth it!

Patchouli had reluctantly become accustomed to the idea that she would need to fix this problem before she could adequately study it. At first, a simple appeal to Remilia ought to have been enough, but Koakuma had to be her usual self. Alas. This would be remembered when it came time to review Koakuma's familiar contract, which would be coming sooner than previously anticipated. For the time being, Patchouli simply tried to avoid the chaos. The chaos, thankfully, had yet to be worse than a couple of talkative faerie maids carrying off plotted plants for heaven knows what purpose.

Up ahead at the end of this hall laid the kitchen. The doors hung wide open; and two faerie maids stood outside of it. Both of their uniforms were damaged, torn in various places. Here and there, steak knives had been attached to their outfits, as if in a crude attempt to make spikes on their shoulders and forearms. Instead, the knives just hung limply; Patchouli noted one knife seemed to have fallen to the floor. One of the maids, nearly four feet tall with long red pigtails, carried a broom in both hands. The other, about three and a half feet tall with bushy blonde hair, carried what looked like a pool cue. Beyond them, Patchouli noted some other maids scurrying about in the kitchen, and heard quite a lot of activity. "Hey, you!" one of the faeries called out; both of them turned to face Patchouli. "What're you doing?"

"I'm going to the kitchen," Patchouli said.

"There is no kitchen!" the other faerie said, smacking the bottom of her pool cue on the floor. "You're in Barter Town now!"

Patchouli fixed her most impassive of glares upon the faerie. "What."

"The world's ended, but we're gonna keep on going," said the other faerie, grinning. "Even if nature and heaven decree otherwise, we'll keep the Scarlet name in our hearts even in this lawless waste! And when the survivors want to trade, they'll come here!"

"To Barter Town!" the other faerie cried, thumping her pool cue on the ground again.

It took restraint not to say "What" again. Instead, Patchouli said, "I don't have time for this, let me inside."

"Are you here to barter?" said the broom carrying faerie.

"This is Barter Town, so you have to!" the other said.

"Yes, fine, whatever," said Patchouli. It was sometimes lamentable that mansion rules forbade simply zapping unruly maids these days. But Sakuya had insisted, and it seemed that Remilia felt the need to offer her dog a treat every so often.

"Then welcome! We have everything you'll need to survive the wastelands!" said the broom-carrying faerie.

The faerie with the pool cue leaned forward and, with a stage whisper, said, "Barter Town."

Patchouli walked past without a word, hoping that pool cue faerie would stop speaking. Her hopes were in vain, but at least she no longer had to watch it as well. Inside the kitchen, the noise redoubled. Faeries chattered, pans banged together, footsteps, and other racket that Patchouli did not care to identify filled the air. Floor-level cabinets under the counters had been thrown open and emptied, crude awnings made of towels were set up over them to make something akin to stalls. Beneath the towel awnings sat smaller faeries; taller ones reclined on their bellies; surrounded by kitchen gear, food taken from the pantry, and small items nabbed from other parts of the mansion. She noted a few of the missing busts placed in one cabinet, with maid caps draped over them. The oven hung open, a fire crackling merrily inside while faeries gathered around it, toasting pieces of bread, marshmallows, squares of tofu and other things in it with stolen kitchen implements. The range was active as well, with every spot on it taken up by tea kettles. The fire place was empty, all the wood had been stolen, as was the spit that ran along the top. Near the fireplace laid a large soup tureen, turned on its side and made into another stand. Many faeries were gathered and socializing near a serving cart. Every drawer had been emptied, and most were missing. Patchouli imagined that they were probably circulating among the wares. The door to the pantry hung open; faeries seemed to be coming and going from it at will. The walls were covered with fresh and colorful graffiti, largely stick figures and various faces. Here and there Patchouli picked out words and phrases, such as "Crocus Leaf was heer", "Four4ever Scarlets" and "I want fish for lunch".

The maids themselves were a sight. Many were loaded down with forks and spoons dangling from pockets and tied to crude bandoliers. Many of them had exchanged their caps for pots, pans, lids, candle hoods, and other pilfered items. Their uniforms were often damaged, Patchouli was unable to tell if much of that was due to brawling or self-inflicted damage. To make up for this, many of them had tied rags over the damaged spots; other seem to have done this to be fashionable. A few were wearing cloth pilfered from other sections of the mansion, in loud and clashing colors.

Patchouli dearly hoped to be in attendance when Sakuya found all this. At a safe distance.

First things first. Patchouli strolled along the cabinet marketplace, glancing at the wares. Knives would be around here somewhere. The faeries didn't seem to be too concerned with the magician walking among them, Patchouli was uncertain whether she was happier not being bothered or irritated that they didn't seem to think she was worth being afraid of. She put it from her mind, moving from stall to stall. It was clear that the faeries hadn't gotten to the point of specialized shops. Everything was a mishmash of whatever the faerie there could grab. On the better side, most of them seem to be too busy chattering with their neighbors to bother her. Nor were they attentive enough to notice when she would help herself to a sharp knife near the edge of the store space.

With three knives in hand after seven or so cabinet stalls, Patchouli moved on to the next block of counters. She knelt down to check the eighth, then paused. Like the others, this one contained a pile of bric-a-brac; most noticeably a couple of cheese graters. Unlike the rest, rather than a faerie, this stall was home to a solitary crow, perched atop one of the cheese graters. It stared at Patchouli, cocking its head, while the magician regarded it wordlessly. She pondered how a crow had gotten in here: were the tengu reporters getting more aggressive these days? She hoped not. The crow gave a caw, which answered nothing. Patchouli glanced over to the next cabinet, where a smaller faerie wearing a crude red cloak was holding hands with her neighbor on the opposite side and aggressively snuggled against her. It took a small measure of restraint not to toss a globe of water at the sickeningly cute couple, and instead asked, "You there, where did this crow come from?"

"I dunno," said the small faerie, looking over toward Patchouli without letting up on her prior snuggling.

"Oh oh! She came in when the window opened!" the snuggled-upon maid added. "Now she's watching the store while Peach Root goes and...uh...goes and....um..."

"It doesn't matter," said Patchouli, having decided she didn't need to wait the full minute for the faerie to lose interest in trying to remember. Regardless, a crow in the mansion was Sakuya's problem. Instead, the magician helped herself to a sizable butcher knife stuck between a mixing bowl and an overturned vase.

"Oh!" cries the neighboring faerie, finally sitting up from her companion. "Thief! Thief! Thief thief thief!"

Patchouli groaned as other faeries around her took up the cry. Chants of "Thief!" filled the air, and fingers began pointing at her. The crow squawked and took to the air, bursting past the magician and flying toward the opposite side of the room. She stood up; the shouts intensified. Placing the pilfered knife in a pocket with the rest, she began to run her fingers along the spell cards placed inside. There was no mistaking what was coming, just a question of how to handle it. Perhaps Silent Selene would deal with them quickly?

The chants of thief intensified, but none of the faeries seemed to be moving to do anything about it. In fact, only one faerie was moving: a faerie barely more than two feet tall with dragonfly wings, wrapped in a number of clashing and colorful handkerchiefs, who was diligently flying to the fireplace mantle. "Well well!" she cried. Eyes turned toward her, and she spread her arms wide. "Looks like we have us a thief!" the little faerie cried. "And you know what Cream Flower says we do with thieves?!"

Noticing the faeries were no longer watching her, Patchouli turned toward the door and began to walk.

"No!" roared the gathered faeries.

"Well I told you a bunch of times before!" the small maid, presumably Cream Flower. shouted back. "We give 'em the Ultra-Crasher!"

"Oh!" cried a good portion of the gathered faeries. Others began to to chant "Crasher!" over and over again.

"Fly, Ultra-Crasher!" Cream Flower shrieked. "Smush up that thief good!" Then she howled with laughter. A clattering noise caught Patchouli's attention over the crowd's chanting and Cream Flower's cackling. Looking over, Patchouli quickly noted movement from the open pantry door, as a bellow sounded from within. A moment later, a serving cart burst from the pantry, covered in gleaming silver trays clumsily affixed to it by towels. Several broom handles had been tied to the top and the sides, leveled ahead like spears. A white tablecloth spilled over the front of the cart, emblazoned with an angrily frowning face drawn in what Patchouli assumed was red lipstick. Pushing the cart was a faerie maid, nearly four and a half feet, bellowing like a madwoman. As the cart clattered past the fireplace, Cream Flower added her bellow to the the cart pusher's as she leaped from the mantle and landed on top of the cart in a crouch. Both faeries screaming, the cart barreled toward Patchouli!

She stepped through the kitchen doors moments before the cart slammed into the walls adjacent to them. The two guards didn't seem to think it was necessary to stop her; given how they were gaping through the doors, Patchouli wondered if they had even noticed her. She had to admit, though, that Cream Flower's leap was impressive. She wondered if Sakuya knew the faeries had been doing that behind her back? Well, that didn't matter. As she strode away, she heard Cream Flower shout, "Ha! Smushed her good!", followed by loud cheering. Patchouli paid it no mind. She had no intention of looking back at all, until the sound of wings caught her ear. Before she had time to turn, a feathery black shape zoomed around and past her. It flew down the hall some yards, before settling down on an overturned vase. Patchouli regarded it for a moment, and noted a tiny figure clad in red sitting astride the crow's shoulders. For a moment, she wondered if she were imagining things, until the tiny figured waved at her.

"Hey! Hey you!" the little person shouted, her voice barely comprehensible. "I wanna talk.

Curious, Patchouli approached the crow and its rider. "What are you?" she said, trying to keep her voice low. "A sprite of some kind?"

"No, I'm a kobito!" the little person replied.

Now that Patchouli was closer, she could see the diminutive person was wearing a pinkish kimono, and a black fingerbowl as a hat, just obscuring her short hair. The magician frowned. "Is that like a grig?"

"I said I'm a kobito!" said the tiny rider.

"Are those related to atomies?" Patchouli said, as she knelt by the crow and rider, now close enough to notice she was getting a sour look from the latter.

"Those aren't even a thing!"

"Yes they are," said Patchouli. "They're a form of western-"

"That's not why I'm here," the kobito said. "And you should give your name, then ask for the other's when making introductions!"

"Fine, fine," says Patchouli. "I'm Patchouli. Who are you and how did you get in here?"

"I'm Shinmyoumaru," says the kobito, "And I came in through the window. Mere curtains cannot stop a mighty steed such as Kokuten'enkou!"

"That is a very cute crow," said Patchouli, pondering if she could stroke its chest without getting pecked. "Why didn't I see you with her earlier?"

Shinmyoumaru smirked. ""I was bargain hunting! You don't see such deals as those every day! Anyway, we can talk about shopping over tea later. Right now, I want to contract your services, as legends of your prowess are spread far and wide."

At least this kobito knew quality. Patchouli smiled slightly. "I'm listening."


	6. Chapter 6

Meiling reclined against the wrought iron front gates, crossing her arms behind her head. The sky was clear and the air pleasantly warm. The gardens were coming up nicely and should be fine unless the weather took a sudden turn for the dry. Puffy clouds drifted by at a lazy pace, promising more rain in the future. She pondered whether any of the local trouble-making faeries would pay a visit today. They could be a handful , but they weren't too bad to pass the time with. Even better would be if that mermaid in the lake nearby decided to come ashore, she was always good for a game of go. But likely not, she seemed to prefer wetter days. The gatekeeper idly pondered if she could convince the Mistress to approve of digging a canal from the lake to the front of the mansion?  
  
A cry came from the direction of the mansion. Meiling looked back, and noted Sakuya picking herself up from the flower bed in front of an open window. This immediately raised the question of why Sakuya would be climbing out of windows. Before she could come up with a satisfactory answer; a window cleaning mishap seemed unlikely; she watched Sakuya dust herself off and was hit with the more immediate question of why she was wearing nothing but an apron. The maid looked toward her and waved, making Meiling keenly aware that her mouth was hanging open. She quickly set about remedying this as Sakuya jogged over, vigorously waving. Meiling waved back with much less vigor , trying her best not to gawk.  
  
"Hey!" Sakuya called out as she came closer, her voice uncharacteristically sing-song. "Hey! Wanna take a break?"  
  
Meiling opened the gate so she could step through; even if things were clearly awry it was terribly rude to talk to someone through a gate. "Take...what?" she said.  
  
The maid slowed her jog to a sashay. Meiling frowned, and hoped that her jaw hadn't dropped again. She had no idea where she was supposed to be looking now, none of this made sense anymore! "I said, you wanna come take a break?" Sakuya said. "I bet you'd just love to take a break, huh?"  
  
"Uh," Meiling was still desperately trying to figure out where she should be looking as the maid closed in. It didn't help when the maid crossed her arms, bringing Meiling's attention downward. Nor did her smirk afterward help at all. What was wrong with her?  
  
"Oh, don't you have anything nice to say, mm?" said Sakuya, still smirking.  
  
Meiling shook her head involuntarily. There was no way this was happening. Was the head maid really trying to flirt with her? Like this? She had to say something, though! "Uh, nice apron?"  
  
Sakuya giggled. "Wanna wear it?"  
  
"Uh." Meiling swallowed, resolving the best place to set her eyes was at the front doors of the mansion, which was roughly in Sakuya's direction. "Are you, um, okay?"  
  
"You could check and see?" Sakuya said, grinning and waggling her eyebrows. Until this moment, Meiling wasn't even sure that Sakuya could make that kind of expression. Was this some kind of dream, maybe? She definitely had no idea what to say next. Not even a confused noise seemed right anymore. Meiling just wanted this to be over. The maid apparently had other ideas, and said, "We could go into your little guardhouse, and I could make you some tea!"  
  
"Uh...I need to clean up in there?" Said the gatekeeper.  
  
Sakuya giggles again. "I'm a maid, I can do just as much cleaning as you'd like!"  
  
Meiling was even less sure what to say to that, was it supposed to be a come on? It seemed like it ought to be, but... She shook her head again. Why was she even thinking about that? She had to come up with a way to make this nightmare end! Then it came to her, like the sun shining through storm clouds. "But we're on break, right?" she said, hoping that she wasn't stuttering or messing up her voice too badly. She couldn't tell anymore.  
  
Sakuya giggled again. "Okay, I have an idea. Why don't we go one of the guest rooms on the third floor? I'll show you how to make a bed..." There was that eyebrow waggling again.  
  
"C-can I get a few minutes to get ready?" said Meiling. Yes! This was the perfect excuse! "I'll, uh, meet you there?"  
  
"Mmm, okay," Sakuya said, practically purring. "I'll get things ready. Meet me in...oh, I dunno, the green guest room?"  
  
"Yeah, sure!" Meiling said, nodding. She hoped her face wasn't plainly showing how desperately she wanted Sakuya to go away. Or at least if it were, it was doing so on the politest terms possible.  
  
The maid seemed to be satisfied, as she turned and began to sashay back toward the mansion. "Don't keep me waiting too long!" she called back. Meiling hoped that she muted her sigh of relief enough that Sakuya didn't hear it. A part of her, particularly the part that didn't worry about averting her eyes so much anymore, was oddly tempted. The worst thing that could happen was that it was just a weird joke, right? But no, there was definitely something wrong here! But what could make someone so prim and professional as Sakuya act like that? The closest she ever came to that was during that summer with all the parties when-  
  
"Oh," Meiling muttered to herself as Sakuya reached the front doors of the mansion, then turned back and winked before disappearing inside. "Trust the head maid to get stinking drunk without the stinking part!" But what could she do? She couldn't let Sakuya just wander around like that, she might get hurt! And she'd definitely be horribly embarrassed about all this. Meiling turned to lock the gate, supposing that Sakuya's word was enough to consider herself on break. She'd have to find someone to help her, someone like Patchouli. She'd know what to do!


	7. Chapter 7

Sakuya heard the ruckus long before she reached the main dining room. Despite its name, the main dining room seldom saw use. The Mistress and her sister tended to take meals in the master suite or on the balcony. Sakuya herself generally ate with the maids in a smaller and less ornate room, while Meiling, Patchouli, and Koakuma usually had their meals in their own quarters. The main dining room existed largely for holidays and the rare occasion when the Mistress had more than one or two guests.

She steeled herself, and threw open the doors. Faeries stood atop the ancient sandalwood table; some throwing punches, others flailing away with whatever objects they could get their hands on. The wine cabinet had fallen on its side, most of its shelves conspicuously empty. The walls bore several wine-colored stains and several holes. None of the chairs were in place; some had been piled off to make what looked like a child’s play fort. Others had been broken, and were being used by faeries as clubs. A couple of the taller faeries were even trying to carry whole chairs, making ineffective jabs with the unwieldy things. Several of the pictures had fallen from the walls; a large landscape now leaning against the far wall had its frame broken. Some shorter faeries were under the table, tackling each other and rolling around. As Sakuya watched, trying to process the whole scene, one of the faeries fell off the table. After a moment, she brought her fingers to her mouth and blew a long shrill whistle.

Some of the battling faeries immediately stiffened in attention, while others on the floor leapt up; including the one who had just fallen. Sudden motion in the chandelier overhead drew Sakuya’s attention to a faerie that had been hiding there, and was trying to straddle it and stand. Other faeries squealed and ran, darting behind fallen chairs, under the table, behind the fallen painting in back, wherever they can. A few tried to cower behind their improvised weapons. One pair of faeries on the table continued to fight, but were no longer moving at normal speeds, instead making each swing with exaggerated slowness. Sakuya continued to whistle, coaxing more and more of the faeries out of hiding and into attention, as one of the last two fighters dove under the table suddenly, leaving her companion confused.

After a few moments, Sakuya’s whistle wavered as she ran low on breath. She took a deep breath, then shouted, “What do you all think you are doing?!” Some of the faeries winced, but not all. Her voice wasn’t right, this one was too deep. A few of them started to speak, prompting Sayuka to shout, “This is unacceptable! Mistress would be deeply ashamed of all of you!”

“But-” one faerie says

“The House of Scarlet cannot fall!” Sakuya cried, putting her hands on her hips. She did her best to concentrate on her wings while she spoke; as long as she could keep them outstretched… “Even if heaven itself should give way, the Mistress will stand firm!” They couldn’t be allowed to get in a word edgewise. That was the important part; they couldn’t get any other ideas. A less knowledgeable person might have demanded to know why they were fighting, or why some of them were wearing green. But that would be just inviting disaster; the trick was to drive out all such thoughts, not reinforce them. “You all should have this knowledge carved into your hearts. How shameful this display is!” It would have been so much easier if she weren’t stuck in the body of some squat top-heavy devil; the maids knew and respected the proper Sakuya; but there was little to be done about that right now. “Have you forgotten what it means to be a maid?”

The faeries were riveted. Sakuya barely paid attention to what she was saying anymore. The words themselves were no longer important, tone was more important. They couldn’t be allowed to think she was wavering at any point, they couldn’t be allowed to doubt. And without the actual chief maid in front of them, there could be no mistakes. “Go back to your rooms, all of you, and stay there until dinner!”

A chorus of wails arose from the gathered faeries. Sakuya moved away from the door, arms crossed and purposefully scowling, as they stampeded from the room and poured into the halls. The wails continued as the faeries streamed out, running as fast as they could, until only Sakuya was left in the room. Then she sighed in relief, practically slumping over after snapping up her hands fast enough to intercept the headwings as they closed on her face. She doubted even half the faeries would get to their rooms, but the important part was that they weren’t fighting, and weren’t in a large crowd. But it bought some time. If only she could find that stupid devil!

Sakuya gave herself a few moments to regain her composure, then left the dining room. No sign of Koakuma here, anyway. She paused and listened. With the sound of the faeries fading into the distance, down both sides of the hall she noted, she heard another set of heavier footsteps rapidly coming up a nearby staircase. They were much too heavy to be a faerie! Sakuya instinctively tried to step outside of time for a moment, before mentally kicking herself, then grabbing a broken chair leg that a faerie had dropped nearby. She positioned herself just behind the door and listened as the footsteps reached the top of the stairs, then stopped. “Geez,” came a voice. “Turn my back for a moment…”

“Meiling?” Sakuya called out. Oh god, not Meiling...

“Oh, is that you, Koa?” Meiling answered. “We got a real problem here! Sakuya’s got into the wine!”

Sakuya’s entire body stiffened reflexively, followed by her headwings closing on her face forcefully. Why did it have to be Meiling? There was no way to keep Patchouli or Koakuma from knowing about this, and inevitably Mistress would have to be told. But, there was no way the Gate Guard could know. It would be nearly as bad as a tengu reporter finding out! “I...saw,” Sakuya said at length.

“I know where to find her,” Meiling said. “Let’s go!”

****

Remilia pulled her brush back, and contemplated the brick wall she had begun. Perhaps a bit more shadow? Yes, that would do. She selected a brush with a slightly darker shade of red, only a single bristle on it, and set it on canvas.


	8. Chapter 8

Koakuma rolled on the bed for the umpteenth time, then heaved a sigh. “Where the hell is she?”

It was fun to roll around in bed without wings to get in the way for awhile, but this was getting ridiculous! It’s not like the room was hard to find, the door was open and had Sakuya’s hairband dangled off the knob! It sure didn't stop a couple faeries from wandering in, screaming at the sight of her, and then running away as fast as possible. Nor did it stop them from coming back and taking a vase before running off again. “C’mon, gatekeeper, it shouldn't take this long!”

“Where are you, geez?” Koakuma muttered, staring up at the panels on the ceiling, depicting birds in flight. “I used all my best tricks on you, even! I know you were totally into it, too! It’s really rude to keep a lady waiting, you know that?” She paused and bit her lip a little. “Unless you got mobbed by faeries or something? Could that happen? Well, maybe if I had your mind on something else.” She giggled. Koakuma then heaved another sigh, rolled to the edge of the bed, and stood up. “Better go see what the big holdup is…” 

She walked out of the room, pausing long enough to collect and don the discarded headband. Walking down the hall, Koakuma took care to step around the fallen table, then gave a wide berth to a broken vase and hopped over a bust of some guy with laurels in his hair. Something thumped repeatedly against the wall somewhere down the hall, almost masking the sound of approaching footsteps from an adjoining hall. Koakuma paused, listening to the footsteps, then a smile spread across her face as the green-clad gatekeeper walked around the corner.

“There you are!” Koakuma said, “I was just coming to see if anything was wrong.” Then she dropped her voice to a deeper tone. “Now that you’re here, let’s get you out of that shirt and-Eep!” Koakuma’s eyes widened as she saw herself follow the gatekeeper around the hallway corner.

The red-haired woman’s eyes narrowed and her wings reached upward. “Get her, Meiling!”

“Right!” Meiling cried as she broke out into a run. Koakuma screamed, turning to run. She wasn’t sure whether it was some piece of debris, a run in the carpet, or her own feet that sent her sprawling to the ground. She laid there, tensing up for the worst and trying to ignore the soreness. After a few moments, she started to wonder if the worst got distracted by the view. A few more moments passed, and she looked up to see everything had turned gray.

“Oh. Good!”

Koakuma picked herself up, then looked over to see Meiling in mid-charge, just starting to spread her arms for a tackle. “Wonder if I could turn you around?” she said, then grabbed the gatekeeper’s arm and gave it a tug. It was like tugging on a statue. Koakuma gave her a sour look. “You’re worse than those faeries. And you know, I was totally going to make your day, too!” She almost gave the frozen gatekeeper a kick in the shins, then decided it would be a bad idea given her lack of shoes. Instead she dashed down the hall and toward the stairs. “Later, suckers!” she called back.

Making her way down the stairs to the ground floor, Koakuma started toward the front doors. As she dodged around frozen faeries, she became aware of a powerful itch in her chest. “Oh, this shit again,” she muttered, idly scratching. “Better get moving…” The itching quickly blossomed into a sharp pain, prompting her to run down the hall. This did not produce as much speed as she would like, as she had to dodge around faeries and more fallen obstacles. Soon, breathing grew difficult. Then, with the front doors in sight, Koakuma leaned against the wall, unable to stand any longer. The pain grew worse, Koakuma focused on breathing, trying to wait it out. There was no need to panic, she told herself, it’s just like last time. The pain’s not any worse, even if it feels that way…

Then her body felt like shattered glass, and she could breathe again. Shuddering and leaning heavily against the wall, Koakuma greedily sucked in as much air as she could. “How does...Sakuya put up...with that?” The pain was gone, and after a few moments, Koakuma felt like she could stand again. Then the front doors flew open and her heart leapt into her throat.

“Hey, the gate’s open!” called a familiar voice, as a black shape flew into the front hall. It paused, revealing a blonde-haired woman in a black dress and an immense steepled hat. “So I’m gonna rob you guys!” Then her eyes fell on Koakuma. “Haha, what?” she said, grinning. “Did you just get out of the bath or something, Sakuya?”

“G-get out of here, Marisa!” Koakuma shouted. “I don’t need this right now!”

“Nope!” Marisa said, still grinning as she withdrew a small wooden object from her pocket and brandished it in Koakuma’s direction. “Let’s wrap this up fast, okay?”


	9. Chapter 9

“So, do we have a deal?” said Patchouli, sitting on a bed in one of the second floor guest rooms.  
  
“Sounds good,” Shinmyoumaru said, perched on the edge of a writing desk near the bed and kicking her feet in the air. Her crow sat nearby, unconcerned with their discussion. “But you know that’ll cause an incident, right?”  
  
“Do I look like the kind of person who cares about causing incidents?” Patchouli said, her face impassive.  
  
Shinmyoumaru gave a tiny shrug. “I suppose not. And you’re going to hold up your end of the bargain, no tricks?”  
  
Patchouli gave a nod. “Of course.” Then a distant explosion cut off any further response. “Ah, that would be our cue. Shall we be off?”  
  
****  
  
“It’s not broken, is it?” Meiling said, kneeling on all fours, as she touched her nose and winced. Then she gave a sour look at the marble bust of a man with laurels in his hair, searching for specks of blood.  
  
“No, it’s just a bit swollen,” said Sakuya, offering a hand. “Let me help you-OW!”  
  
“Heh, never saw you do that,” said Meiling, as she accepted Sakuya’s hand and stood again. Sakuya groaned in response as her headwings opened once more. “So, what did Sakuya get off to, I wonder?”  
  
“I don’t know,” Sakuya said. “I imagine she would go downstairs. There would be-” The rest of her words were cut off by an explosion from below.  
  
“Yep,” said Meiling, as she broke into a run toward the stairs. “Sounds like that’s where we need to be!” Sakuya set out in quick pursuit of the gatekeeper, trying to keep up as she raced down the steps, easily dodging around a tray on the ground about halfway down. Then, as she reached the second floor landing, a figure clad in purple wandered out of the hall in front of her. The collision sent the purple-clad figure bounding into a wall with a loud curse; Sakuya was slightly more interested in the crow that followed her out and landed on the banister.  
  
“You stupid klutz!” Patchouli said, shooting Meiling a look as she steadied herself against the wall.  
  
“Sorry about that,” said Meiling, “But you really ought to look where you’re going, especially in disasters like this.”  
  
“Take your own advice,” Patchouli said, as she pushed away from the wall and approached Sakuya.  
  
Sakuya paid little attention to the exchange while observing the errant crow, and the tiny person person perched on it’s back. “What are you doing here, kobito?” she said  
  
Shinmyoumaru frowned at Sakuya. “Do I know you?”  
  
“Here’s your knives, Sakuya,” Patchouli said, as she pulled the pilfered kitchenware from her pockets and offered it to Sakuya.  
  
“Wait, what?” said Meiling, looking between Patchouli and Sakuya.  
  
“That’s Sakuya,” Patchouli said, glancing at the gatekeeper before Sakuya could stop her. “They switched bodies.”  
  
“Patchouli!” Sakuya cried, "You weren’t supposed to-” Her words are cut off by another explosion.  
  
  
****  
  
  
“Hold still!” Marisa shouted, as she zoomed around a corner on her broom, taking a moment to send a flurry of stars down the hall.  
  
“Go away go away go away go away go away!” a bruised and battered Koakuma shouted, running as fast as she could. There wasn't even time to look back, she could hear the horrible stars closing in.  
  
“Haha, you’re not gonna trick me that easy, Sakuya!” Marisa said as she zoomed down the hall after the fleeing maid. “I know a trap when I see one, and I’m gonna break it!”  
  
“You psycho maniac!” Koakuma called back. Up ahead she could see her salvation, the main stairs. They’d provide some cover, and make it too tight for Marisa to maneuver easily. She just had to…  
  
Meiling descended the stairs. “There she is!” the gatekeeper cried before charging. A heartbeat later, before she could even finish her cry of surprise, a red-haired woman with wings followed her down. Time seemed to slow down, and not in the good way that Koakuma was hoping for. The air filled with danmaku composed of steak knives, slowly closing in on her behind Meiling. Between the oncoming knives, the oncoming gatekeeper, and Marisa shouting something she couldn't quite make out; Koakuma noted a crow flying between the knives. Atop this crow was a tiny person wearing a tiny bowl. Koakuma imagined the tiny person was shouting, but she couldn't quite hear at the moment. Instead, she just watched as the little person flings what looks like a tiny hammer in her direction.  
  
Koakuma did the only thing she could think of: she crouched down and covered her head with her arms. She could just make out the last part of what Marisa had shouted: “...-Spark!”  
  
Boom.


	10. Chapter 10

The mansion was quiet. Chunks of plaster flaked from the ceiling and fell to the ground. A low groan emanated from one corner, where the magician was crumpled into a frilly heap near a charred broom. The red-haired devil and the gatekeeper laid in a pile, both on their backs and staring up at the ceiling. The maid was sprawled in the middle of the floor. The kobito was laying where the floor met the wall, her nose firmly buried in the joint. Where her crow had gone, it was impossible to tell.  
  
The maid stirred. Then a moment later, she was gone, instead laying against the wall and dressed in a tattered uniform. “Okay,” she said in a scratchy voice, “Let’s just say our names, and make sure everyone is in the right place?”  
  
“Huh?” comes a muffled reply from the pile of frills.  
  
“Just do it, please,” says the maid. “I am Sakuya.”  
  
“Marisa,” said the black magician.  
  
“Shinmyoumaru,” said the kobito into the wall, barely audible.  
  
“Meiling,” said the gatekeeper, groaning.  
  
“Meilin-OW!” The red-haired devil was cut off by a quick elbow jab into her chest. “...Koakuma…”  
  
“Well then,” Sakuya said, before coughing a few times. “That’s all wrapped up, then. Now let’s get to work cleaning all this up before Mistress notices, shall we?”  
  
“What?” said Marisa.  
  
“Yes, I would love it if you pitched in, Marisa,” said Sakuya. “Thank you for volunteering!”  
  
****  
  
The faeries shuffled and muttered among themselves, packed into a sizable gallery. Then they stood in attention as Sakuya, in fresh clothes and free of any signs of soot, stepped into the room and ran her gaze over them all. “Today,” she said in a clear voice that carried to the end of the room, “There has been a very important test. And I am ashamed to say that many of you failed it.”  
  
She waited a moment for the gasps and howls of dismay to calm down. “However, the House of Scarlet can be kind and forgiving when it so chooses. And in turn, we shall expect each of you to forgive and forget what you have done to each other today. As always, we shall not tolerate grudges! Now, I would like each of you to turn to your neighbor, giver her a hug, and tell her you are sorry. Then we’ll never speak of this again.”  
  
As the faeries turned, some to the left and some to right, Sakuya allowed herself a small smile. However much a pain the faeries could be, they really were little darlings at heart. She watched, still smiling, as the faeries embraced each other; some of them getting caught between two or more neighbors who happened to turn the same direction. Then she frowned slightly at one particular pair. “Crocus Leaf, Strawberry Crepe,” she said. “We don’t hug with our lips.”  
  
There were always a couple.  
  
****  
  
“You have one hour,” said Patchouli, as Koakuma gaped at the floor. There, spread across an immense carpet. were more porcelain and stone shards than she could easily count. She could only guess at just how many vases, busts, and plates must be gathered there.  
  
“But…” she said. After a moment, she gave up on trying to find something to follow those remarks. Then the sound of rushing air caught her ears, moments before Marisa flew into the room on her broom while carrying a large cloth sack. Marisa stopped over the carpet long enough to empty the sack, adding several dozen more shards of rock and porcelain to the mess. Koakuma’s jaw dropped; she gave an inarticulate sort of gurgling noise for a moment, before crying “You broke those yourself!”  
  
“Can’t prove anything!”  
  
“Oh f-” Koakuma started, before the sudden sound of a loud whip’s crack cut her off. She whirled around to see Patchouli calmly regathering a whip back into a coil. “Why do you even have that?!” cried the red-haired devil.  
  
“Miss Izayoi insisted,” said Patchouli. Then she cracked the whip once more off to the side; Koakuma winced reflexively. “Fifty nine minutes.”  
  
****  
  
“So,” said Sakuya, seated behind a large mahogany desk, likely ten times older than she, in one of the mansion’s drawing rooms, “I heard you made quite a stir lately, Cream Flower.”  
  
“We aren't supposed to talk about the past!” cried the two-foot tall faerie, trying and failing to to pull her frilled hairband over her face. “What’s the past, anyways? I don’t even believe in it! If someone told me there was such a thing as the past, I’d tell them they have runny pudding between their ears! ...Are we going to have pudding tonight, Miss Izayoi?”  
  
“We might,” said Sakuya, offering the faerie a little smile. “But only if you tell me what happened.”  
  
“I was queen of the world, you know,”said Cream Flower. “It was beautiful, People trading and coming together in the wasteland, far as the eye could see. Even when the world ended, before it stopped ending, we were a beacon of civilization in the darkness! When one needed goods, they came to Barter Town! They came to me! I was the face of justice and the beacon of law in a cold, uncaring world! Who could stop me other than the Scarlet Devil herself?! Oh, those were the days, Miss Izayoi! I wish you could have been there to see it. I would have made you top dog in the arena!”  
  
“Mm, lovely,” said Sakuya. “But now, I have an even more important duty for you, Cream Flower. Are you ready for a promotion?”  
  
The little faerie’s eyes went wide. She nodded, not daring to say a word.  
  
“Are you ready to help handle the dishes?” said Sakuya.  
  
“C-can I add the soap in?” said Cream Flower in a tiny voice.  
  
“Not yet,” said Sakuya. “But, if you do a good job, then just maybe.”  
  
“YesyesyesyesyesYESYESYES!” Cream Flower leapt from her seat, hands balled into quivering fists. “I’ll be the most bestest disher girl you ever saw!” Then she charged from the room, shouting at the top of her lungs.  
  
****  
  
Remilia set her brushes down, then took a step back from the canvas. It was done. She smiled as she let her eyes follow one color to the next, appreciating the gentle flow of each and the precision of each brush stroke. Satisfied, she picked up a small bell resting on the counter and gave it a gentle ring.  
  
“Mistress,” said Sakuya, suddenly in the room bearing a tray with a ceramic pot filled with dark red tea, standing to the vampire’s side.  
  
“Two rings, dear?” Remilia said as she set the bell down. “Isn’t it a little early for old age to take its toll upon your reflexes?”  
  
“My thoughts were wandering, Mistress,” said Sakuya, inclining her head slightly.  
  
“No need to worry, Sakuya,” said Remilia. She glanced at the tea set on the tray, then raised an eyebrow. “Ah. Is that teapot the Bavarian? Is the Breton not available?”  
  
“I was feeling spontaneous, Mistress,” said Sakuya as she poured the tea.  
  
“Ah, quite good,” says Remilia.  
  
****  
  
It was a quiet afternoon at the Hakurei shrine. The birds were singing, thankfully in the distance. The squirrels were rustling through the trees; blessedly in trees away from the shrine grounds. Reimu laid upon the front stairs of the shrine, sprawled out and staring at the clouds and the bright blue sky, a cup of tea forgotten by her side. It was with some irritation that she noted some figure ducking under the faded red torii and marching up the stone pathway toward the shrine.  
  
With a sigh, the shrine maiden sat up and reclaimed her tea. She took a long drink as the oncomer approached. Reimu recognized her as Shinmyoumaru quickly, and was able to stifle a groan thanks to the tea. However, the last time she saw Shinmyoumaru, she definitely wasn't tall enough to have to duck under a ten-foot high torii!  
  
“Huh,” said Reimu.  
  
“You’re darn right, huh!” said the approaching Shinmyoumaru, giving a toothy grin.  
  
Reimu idly wondered if it would still be correct to think of her as a kobito now. Deciding it didn't matter, she said, “Well. Here to show off, I take it?”  
  
“Just a little bit,” said Shinmyoumaru as she came to stop in front of the shrine’s stairs. She put her hands on her hips and grinned down at Reimu. The effect was partly spoiled by the overhanging roof obscuring the upper half of her face. “I’m just here to tell you that the time has come and I’m taking over Gensokyo!”  
  
“That’s rather polite,” Reimu said. “Thank you. Most of the time, whenever some youkai wants to kick up trouble, they do it on the other end of Gensokyo and it’s such a pain. This is really nice of you, I appreciate it.”  
  
“Well, it only seemed like the right thing to do,” said Shinmyoumaru. “It’s not like I have to be afraid of you or anything anymore!”  
  
“So, indulge my curiosity,” said Reimu, before taking another sip of tea. “What happened? And, could you crouch down or something? I’m getting sick of staring up at your groin.”  
  
“Well get used to it!” Shinmyoumaru said. “I only made an alliance with the great witch Patchouli, and did her a little favor! Now no one can look down on me and stop me again!”  
  
“Is that so?” said Reimu. “She make you a potion or something?”  
  
“Yep!” said Shinmyoumaru. “It worked even better than I hoped! I could barely fit out the library doors after drinking it!”  
  
“They aren't that small,” Reimu said. “You could have stooped down under the door frame, surely?” Then she frowns “And you still have that needle at your side. Wait, are you still wearing that bowl?”  
  
“Having to stoop down counts as barely, you know,” said Shinmyoumaru, frowning and furrowing her brow slightly. “And yes I’m still wearing my bowl, it looks great! Once I've taken over they’re going to come into fashion! Anyways! I’m taking over Gensokyo, so deal with it. You can be the first to pledge allegiance to me. I’ll assure you a favored spot in the new world order, of course.”  
  
“That’s quite kind of you,” said Reimu. “But, there’s something you ought to know about Patchouli’s potions. You see-ah, there we go.”  
  
Shinmyoumaru suddenly found herself waist deep in badly maintained grass. “Oh come on!” she cried.  
  
“Yeah, they never last all that long,” said Reimu as she shifts forward and looks down at the kobito. “So it really was nice of you to come here first rather than, I dunno, go stir up trouble in the village.”  
  
“You knew!” Shinmyoumaru said, pointing at Reimu.  
  
“We shrine maidens have excellent intuition,” said Reimu with a shrug. “I guessed it was probably going to wear off sooner or later. Mind, it didn't hurt I got a letter from Sakuya about this yesterday.”  
  
“Agh!” Shinmyoumaru drew her needle and flung it to the ground, then stamped her feet. “Those traitors!”  
  
“Well, Patchouli is more of a cheapskate,” Reimu said. “At least I think she cuts corners on those potions? Maybe there’s just no way to make them last for long? I dunno.” She watched the kobito stamp a few more times, then pause to catch her breath. “Anyways, would you like some tea? I have a thimble you can use.”  
  
Shinmyoumaru sighed, then looked up at Reimu. “Do you have anything harder? I’m suddenly having a really lousy day.”  
  
“Yeah, sure thing.”


End file.
